Miscellaneous Writing

From A Selected Work History

Gordon College: Residential Assistant—1996-1997
Pay: Housing stipend
Duties: Dorm Counselor for a Christian College. Responsibilities included: patrolling the halls to confirm there were no women in the men's dorm room and having deep and intense conversations about Jesus in the showers with nude, well-built Christian freshmen who'd stare into my eyes with such ferocity that I cursed my poor peripheral vision. 

Reason for Leaving: Got gay, lost my “christian leadership” scholarship. Also, there were more violations of the no-women-in-men's-dorm rule on my shifts than any other Residential Assistant. Still not sure how that happened.

Talk America Sales—1998
Pay: $6/hr+Commission ($6.05/hour)
Duties: Inbound sales associate for a telemarketing firm under investigation by 11 states attorneys-general for marketing a hair-replacement vibrating hairbrush which would cause scalp-bleeding and did not replace hair. But I did not sell the hairbrush; I sold Protein PowerTM , a 6-cassette Atkins-derived weight loss program which was guaranteed to help you lose weight or your money back (we had no return department). 

Reason for Leaving: The Quality Assurance team recorded me repeatedly comforting mid-western women whose husbands had left them on account of their obesity, assuring them they probably didn't need that man anyway and besides, the cassettes were $149.99 and most of them wanted to an installment plan, which we did not offer.
I was escorted from the premises by two big security guards, marched through the “top-sellers” room (they had a window) where I averted by eyes from their triumphal faces to their desks where the latest copies of Awake! and The Watchtower were proudly displayed.

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